I came today without any particular purpose; I just came because I missed this one place where I could write just about anything, where I could pour down my own thoughts without any distraction. Back then, I would spend hours here just to write my heart out. Whether it was some pointless, random things that happened that day, or it was something that I really wanted to share - I would just write and write and write.

I came today and looked at a few of my past posts, just to see how much I wrote in the past. Over the years of me as a blogger, I was somehow proud of myself on how much my writings had changed. From too much teenage angst-inspired posts, I toned down so much that I couldn't believe that I wrote all the good things on this blog. Hahaha.

♥ nina.sha ♥

Another song on repeat, other than Summertime Sadness.

There are some days where I will play all the songs that I was listening to when I was very young up to my teenage years. Somehow, when I listen to all the songs, the sense of longing to be back on one of my better times will be there, especially on being a hardworking, diligent student. 

♥ nina.sha ♥

After a short series of depressive rants, I've finally realised that I cannot keep on writing how my days had been very awful these past few weeks. Somehow, I have to stop being this whiny girl, just because things are not going my way. I mean, sometimes things are not going well as planned and as a grown woman, I have to suck it up, move on, and do whatever I supposed to do, right?

That's life. You should have the fair share of everything; the good times, the better times, the best times, the bad times, the worse times, the worst times. This is just one of God's works, he's giving the share of good times for other people to enjoy them, and I had my share before. So yeah, let's just enjoy these bad times and there will be better times. After all, God won't be so mean to give me bad times forever, will He?

Hey, the world doesn't always shine but it won't rain forever.

I still have faith, because I know He won't fail me. God has never disappointed anyone before, like I tell you - it's just one of the times He gives me my fair share of hard times. I mean, He has given me so many good stuffs in life, and I know I will get my fair share again when the time finally permits. So yeah, always keep the faith.

1. Wake up early in the morning
2. Prepare myself (take a bath, brush my teeth, wash my face, wear set of fresh clothes)
3. Go to the university, straight to the Operative Surgery department
4. Go back to my room, and eat something to satisfy my hunger
5. Study for Operative Surgery and try to remember my texts for Russian Language - until late at night
6. Sleep

♥ nina.sha ♥

Either to be happy and feel contented, or to be pissed and feel like flipping the table upside down.

Just when I thought the day was fine for me to relax...

How one news could ruin the whole day.

♥ nina.sha ♥

I am physically tired, but mentally exhausted.

This time, I don't even know where to begin because there are so many things on my mind, and there are so many feelings mixing up in unison.

To be honest, these days, I feel like a total mess.

I've been through a couple of weeks of complete hell. I've never had to deal with such a crappy subject in my life until this semester. As if irregular sleeping cycle, not eating proper food (God knows how many days since I've eaten proper food), constant headache, having cranky mornings, and for the love of God - dealing with crappy people isn't enough for me.

Patience is what I lack of these days. Normally, my patience level is very high, even if I have bad days or big problems, I will keep my head up high. There will be times I'll cry quietly, but that's just about it. This month, it's like God is testing my patience and level of tolerance towards some people that I cannot stand for a long time. My patience is running short, and the teachers for Operative Surgery subject really seep out whatever patience that I have left.

When I feel like a mess, I will find that talking to people can be annoying.

If I could be an antisocial for some time, I would. Yeah okay, so I talked, I exchanged some conversations with people. Faking smiles and facial expressions is one of the things that I'm incredibly good at, you know? So yeah, I may talk normally even when I'm in a complete mess, even when I feel so annoyed when people start talking to me these days, even when I don't feel like talking at all. Let's just say that I'm trying not to burst into madness in front of everyone, okay?

And most probably, if I could get a plate of rice and fried egg any day of this month - I could die of happiness. Because eating crappy food is that bad. God, even life wasn't a hell when I was taking my bachelor of science back then. I could still eat properly, despite cooking wasn't allowed in hostels, partly because the some of the cafés sold good food, and partly because my roommates ate properly, and asked me to do the same – which was good. Although I had so many assignments and lab reports to be done, and so many articles and reference books that were thicker than Netter’s Atlas of Human Anatomy to be read, although I spent so much time in the library until late night, I could pull everything through.

I can’t believe this. I could handle myself better back then. Oh God – MY LIFE WAS SO MUCH BETTER BACK THEN.

Worse, I cannot even remember when the last time the room light was turned off. I woke up with the light on, and I fell asleep with the light on. Now that I think about it - I cannot sleep properly with the light on, unless I am very, very tired. And I feel cross because whenever I need my sleep, there is so much noise in the room. I want to snap so badly, but with the little patience that I have left in me, I've decided to shrug it off, even when I have the right to reproach them.

Moving to apartment alert? Haha, jokes.

Anyway, thanks to Operative Surgery, my life has been on the rock since. Thank you for being such a pain in the butt, thank you for making Normal Physiology and Hygiene a thousand times better and easier, thank you for making my life upside down, thank you for making me half a psycho. Basically, thank you so much for putting so much trouble for me. 

Life will be so much better if I choose to not care.

Life will be so much easier when I choose not to do anything.

But even an idiot would know that choosing to do nothing will bring you nowhere. That’s why I have to force myself to go on, even if it’s hard to do so.

But then, do you know how hard it is to keep myself motivated, even when I don’t have the power to do so? Do you know how worn out I am for having to keep up the inspiration for myself? There are times where I just want to lie on the bed all day, stare at the ceiling and do nothing. There are times where I feel like running away, and not come back. But where do I run to here? Most importantly, who do I run to here? This is, after all, still a foreign land. This is not home, where you can run to your family for comfort, feeling all familiar.

There are times where I feel like, I've had enough. That if people ever pushed me to the edge of the cliff and asked me to jump, I would just take the step, not looking back, and jumped off the cliff. You know, it’s like. I no longer care.

Most people have their pillars of support behind. Me? Most of the time, I have to rely on my own, even when there are other people out there are caring enough to support me. You know, it was an easier task when I pushed my friends, but not myself. It's hard. IT IS JUST SO BLOODY HARD.

I have to admit, it's hard to hide my stress when I have a lot of things to think about. I want to be the normal, cheerful me, even in the times of trouble - but at this point of time, I. Cannot. Simply. Act. Like. Normal. Anymore.

And need I remind you of me not wanting to go home? I couldn't care less about homecoming; I've stopped counting the days. I know I have less than two weeks before returning to Malaysia, but I feel like the days are drifting away so fast that I'm scared that I cannot finish everything by then. I want the time to move in a slower pace, so that I can keep up with the current time.

Sad, I know.

It’s days like these that make it hard for me to be all positive and faithful. I'm not going to lie; it’s very hard to believe God cares about me when I'm struggling so much.

But then, thinking about how I used to struggle so much for Normal Physiology, and because of Him, I had a smooth sail. I really do believe that He has a purpose for everything that is happening to me. I nailed it once, and so He thought, “This girl could do it again.”

 You know... today wasn't that bad.

I remembered, while waiting for my turn to do computer rework for Operative Surgery, a guy who was waiting beside me kept on saying to me, "It's okay. Both of us can do it, have faith."

"Have faith."

Now that I think about it, somehow it was like God wanted to remind me to always keep the faith in Him.

So, thank you for the uplifting words, new friend, and Alhamdulillah, thank you Allah for the reminder :)

So yes, screw all this, don’t ever, ever stop and keep going.

It’s going to be hard, but I’ll try.

♥ nina.sha ♥

2013

Last year, this time around, I couldn't focus to my study any longer because I kept on thinking about going back home. I was so excited in counting down the days before my flight back to Sabah. I couldn't accept the fact that I had to spend about five days in Bangkok, Thailand when Malaysia was just so near to me. Imagine this; not spending the first day of the fasting month with my family! Like, what abominable was that, I couldn't even.

So near, yet so far.

Well, that was last year.

2014

Now, to be honest - I don't have the same momentum of excitement as I did before. I've realised that, there are still a lot of unsettled business to be finished here, and my time is running short. I feel like, I shouldn't even have the right to fly back to Malaysia unless I've finished everything here. Albeit it'll be the summer holidays.

It's almost like, I should have my flight ticket burnt, and stay here in Russia for the whole summer. It's better, rather than feeling so unsettled at home, during the summer break - knowing that there are so many things that I have to do once I come back for the new semester in fall.

And I know I will NOT study during the holidays. Like, come on. Be serious, and let's be honest. Who in the world would study during the holidays? People forget about books during their holidays. If I did study during the holidays, chances were - people wouldn't see me sitting for my last semester's final exams during the final weeks before the deadline.

My God, when can I finally feel some peace in my mind?

People are so busy counting down the days before their flight. Sadly, I can't be on the same boat as them, because I don't feel like counting. Probably this is just the stress talking, considering I am so absorbed in studying Operative Surgery, or maybe it's the hormones - I don't know myself.

Seriously, I feel like cancelling all of my plans for the summer break. Instead, I'll just sit down quietly in my bedroom and keep my nose to the grindstone. I don't care anyway - I've sacrificed so much things in life that I don't mind to sacrifice this year's summer break for my future.

So yes, this is my summertime sadness.

When I heard this song for the first time last year, I didn't know that this would be my summer jam for this year.

It's so beautifully sad. Beautiful, but sad.

♥ nina.sha ♥

There have been so many times in life that I feel like I'm not enough for almost everything.

Not being smart enough.

Not being hardworking enough.

Not being pretty enough.

Not being kind enough.

Not being friendly enough.

Not being good enough.

Not being religious enough.

Not wearing the right clothes.

Not eating the right food.

Not finding the right decision.

Not reading the right book.

Not being the right friend.

If there is one thing that I realised what have I been doing in my life all this while, that is - I try hard to be the right one for everything. I listen, I advise, I try to tell the right thing, I try to provide when in need, I pray hard to God; please ease their burdens, please take care of them during my absences, please provide them more than what I have provided them.

I don't need to be thanked for, I don't even expect anything in return - let alone I want people to remember whatever good deeds I've done to them. I don't need all that. 

I'd just like to know that for once, I was enough.

There are times where I feel like crying, and saying sorry to everyone for not providing enough, for not listening enough, for not giving enough, for not spending my time enough, for not being enough for every single thing. I feel sad. It's like, I fail to give all in everything that others need. 

Then it struck me.

I've come to the term that - I will never be enough, not even for myself.

Maybe that's one reality fact that I have to live with for the rest of my life. Even so, if only, for once - I am enough for someone, if not everyone.

♥ nina.sha ♥