As I was writing this, I had to stop a few times; thinking what should I write, whether I should write.
I would've written this on my Facebook or Instagram if I didn't know any better - but since I cut off all contacts from two of the biggest social media platforms by deactivating both accounts, I somehow have to find comfort through writing in a place where I can throw out some of my emotions out.
Right, more than half a year since my last post - and it's already February.
So what's up?
Moved out of the hostel to an apartment, passed my final exams - which means, hey final year! - and not feeling too happy about myself.
Life is funny - you can be jolly and happy in one sec, and be so sad and down the next.
I mean, what else is there not to be happy about? I finally get what I want; a space for myself, a working and clean kitchen, a queen bed, being a sixth year student of a medical school, and having the best final exam results throughout six years of studying.
If all good things are happening to me, then what else do I need to be happy?
Answer is - I don't know either. At this point, I don't know.
These days, I don't even have a proper appetite anymore. I force myself to eat, just because I promise myself "eat to survive another day, not to please your desire", only to find that whatever I've eaten will end up as vomit; not because I'm being bulimic or conscious about my weight, but because my stomach simply refuse to accept them. Like what, how is this even possible?
I keep myself busy with studies and paper works, but they end up tiring me so much that I leave them unattended.
I'm tired too, most of the time. People have been asking, why do I look so tired? I am, but most of the time - it's my mind that's tired, not my body. Sleep has become my enemy, and to get a good sleep these days is a wonderful blessing for me.
I don't know what to do other than surviving another day with life like this.
Sad songs become my new songs on the playlist. I want to hear happy, upbeat songs so bad. But when I hear them, I keep on thinking, "No... this is too happy, I just can't." So, back to the sad songs it is.
I don't know... I don't know. I need help, I know I'm in need of help, but people have their lives to attend too, not just hearing my plights and sadness about life.
What I do in the end? Being an anti-social, and not talking about anything.
But if I continue being that way, I might have to leave the world sooner than what God has planned for me. Sigh. Extreme thoughts are here again.
I came today without any particular purpose; I just came because I missed this one place where I could write just about anything, where I could pour down my own thoughts without any distraction. Back then, I would spend hours here just to write my heart out. Whether it was some pointless, random things that happened that day, or it was something that I really wanted to share - I would just write and write and write. I came today and looked at a few of my past posts, just to see how much I wrote in the past. Over the years of me as a blogger, I was somehow proud of myself on how much my writings had changed. From too much teenage angst-inspired posts, I toned down so much that I couldn't believe that I wrote all the good things on this blog. Hahaha.
I couldn't believe my last post was almost 3 years ago.
I couldn't believe how much I used to write back then.
I couldn't believe there were many drafts on this blog that I wrote but didn't manage to be posted because I lost so much confidence in my own writings that I stopped writing altogether after that.
I remembered - those days when I started to write, and then I stopped completely because I couldn't finish my own stories - I couldn't of an ending, and sometimes, they didn't have any beginnings. I was in despair that in the end, I abruptly decided to stop writing because I felt so lost.
Then, as I stopped writing, I realised that I lost my inspiration and somehow, the creative juice stopped flowing too. I was so mad at myself, but as I was busy with my medical studies, I forgot about this and I focused on my medical books.
There were times in the span of two years of my absence here, I logged in and wanted to write so bad, but in the end, I deleted all of it because I felt like it wasn't the right time to come back to the writing world yet.
Somehow, I still lacked confidence in my own writings, and I decided to keep my nose to the grindstone.
I laughed bitterly at myself because I didn't log in for so long that I forgot the password to my Blogger account. I mean, this was my sanctuary back then. This was my place to visit when I wanted to write the things I couldn't talk about.
Now I feel the pain of having the writer's block syndrome. I was denial at first, and forced myself to write even when I had no idea on what to write. In the end - it backfired me because I hated what I wrote, and stopped writing again. The writings were so forced and lacked sincerity that even I hated myself for writing them in the first place.
To be honest, I didn't know why I suddenly make a trip to my Blogger account again and looked at my past posts, when I had to study for my final exam. Maybe it was a sign to start writing again, or maybe it was time to let go for good.
Or maybe it was a reminder for me that I used to be so dedicated at something that I liked, besides reading. I remembered, blogging was a trend back when I was in junior high - especially among my classmates. Everyone had a blog on their Friendster account (this was before Facebook), or at least a Xanga account.
But, through this trend, I grew fond of writing because I read books so much that I wanted to write as well. I read through at lot of novels and checked out their ways of writings. It was so fun to analyse the books back then, you know? Hahaha.
And now, look at me. My hands couldn't continue typing because I couldn't think of what to write as fast as I did back then.
Times had changed. It's already 2017, and I am not young anymore. Those bubbly, immature times had passed and I had to move on.
My hands were running mad on this keyboard, and my mind struggled with this thought now, "Should I start over, or should I say goodbye?"