I came today without any particular purpose; I just came because I missed this one place where I could write just about anything, where I could pour down my own thoughts without any distraction. Back then, I would spend hours here just to write my heart out. Whether it was some pointless, random things that happened that day, or it was something that I really wanted to share - I would just write and write and write. I came today and looked at a few of my past posts, just to see how much I wrote in the past. Over the years of me as a blogger, I was somehow proud of myself on how much my writings had changed. From too much teenage angst-inspired posts, I toned down so much that I couldn't believe that I wrote all the good things on this blog. Hahaha.
I couldn't believe my last post was almost 3 years ago.
I couldn't believe how much I used to write back then.
I couldn't believe there were many drafts on this blog that I wrote but didn't manage to be posted because I lost so much confidence in my own writings that I stopped writing altogether after that.
I remembered - those days when I started to write, and then I stopped completely because I couldn't finish my own stories - I couldn't of an ending, and sometimes, they didn't have any beginnings. I was in despair that in the end, I abruptly decided to stop writing because I felt so lost.
Then, as I stopped writing, I realised that I lost my inspiration and somehow, the creative juice stopped flowing too. I was so mad at myself, but as I was busy with my medical studies, I forgot about this and I focused on my medical books.
There were times in the span of two years of my absence here, I logged in and wanted to write so bad, but in the end, I deleted all of it because I felt like it wasn't the right time to come back to the writing world yet.
Somehow, I still lacked confidence in my own writings, and I decided to keep my nose to the grindstone.
I laughed bitterly at myself because I didn't log in for so long that I forgot the password to my Blogger account. I mean, this was my sanctuary back then. This was my place to visit when I wanted to write the things I couldn't talk about.
Now I feel the pain of having the writer's block syndrome. I was denial at first, and forced myself to write even when I had no idea on what to write. In the end - it backfired me because I hated what I wrote, and stopped writing again. The writings were so forced and lacked sincerity that even I hated myself for writing them in the first place.
To be honest, I didn't know why I suddenly make a trip to my Blogger account again and looked at my past posts, when I had to study for my final exam. Maybe it was a sign to start writing again, or maybe it was time to let go for good.
Or maybe it was a reminder for me that I used to be so dedicated at something that I liked, besides reading. I remembered, blogging was a trend back when I was in junior high - especially among my classmates. Everyone had a blog on their Friendster account (this was before Facebook), or at least a Xanga account.
But, through this trend, I grew fond of writing because I read books so much that I wanted to write as well. I read through at lot of novels and checked out their ways of writings. It was so fun to analyse the books back then, you know? Hahaha.
And now, look at me. My hands couldn't continue typing because I couldn't think of what to write as fast as I did back then.
Times had changed. It's already 2017, and I am not young anymore. Those bubbly, immature times had passed and I had to move on.
My hands were running mad on this keyboard, and my mind struggled with this thought now, "Should I start over, or should I say goodbye?"
"Nama saya Nazril Ilham. Setiap orang pasti mempunyai mimpi. Begitu juga saya. Namun bagi saya, yang paling penting adalah bukan seberapa besar mimpi yang kamu punya. Tapi seberapa besar usaha kamu untuk mewujudkan mimpi itu."
~ Nazril Ilham, lead singer of NOAH band.
Another song on repeat, other than Summertime Sadness.
There are some days where I will play all the songs that I was listening to when I was very young up to my teenage years. Somehow, when I listen to all the songs, the sense of longing to be back on one of my better times will be there, especially on being a hardworking, diligent student.
Sometimes, I will get lost in the memories, reminiscing all of the things that happened to me that made me as what I am today. This will be one of the times that I will fall asleep with the headphones on, and sleep all the memories away. Usually, the next morning, I will feel better with myself.
But then, again, the past is not a good place to stay.
After a short series of depressive rants, I've finally realised that I cannot keep on writing how my days had been very awful these past few weeks. Somehow, I have to stop being this whiny girl, just because things are not going my way. I mean, sometimes things are not going well as planned and as a grown woman, I have to suck it up, move on, and do whatever I supposed to do, right?
That's life. You should have the fair share of everything; the good times, the better times, the best times, the bad times, the worse times, the worst times. This is just one of God's works, he's giving the share of good times for other people to enjoy them, and I had my share before. So yeah, let's just enjoy these bad times and there will be better times. After all, God won't be so mean to give me bad times forever, will He?
Hey, the world doesn't always shine but it won't rain forever.
I still have faith, because I know He won't fail me. God has never disappointed anyone before, like I tell you - it's just one of the times He gives me my fair share of hard times. I mean, He has given me so many good stuffs in life, and I know I will get my fair share again when the time finally permits. So yeah, always keep the faith.
Moreover, I can't keep on being an unhappy writer, can I? What people think of me when they see all my previous posts? They might be having the impression, oh she is hitting the rock bottom, she is thinking about suicide. Like come on, I am not that low to think about taking my own life, even though I maybe, in some way, hit the rock bottom.
I am not that crazy yet, and that's what religion for. To differentiate what is right and what is wrong. To control you from doing the stupid things. Death is inevitable, but killing yourself is not exactly one of the best choice to create an ending to your life story.
Enough with this talk. Anyway.
The progress of my reworks is slow, but I know I will finish them.
The results is still not showing, but I can wait.
PEOPLE, I WILL MAKE YOU GUYS PROUD.
(AH YOU OPERATIVE SURGERY WHY ARE YOU SO HARD BUT FOR THE SAKE OF THE FREEDOM OF CLINICAL YEAR AND GRADUATING ON TIME, I WILL DO THIS FOR YOU. IF YOU ARE A HUMAN, YOU ARE ONE LUCKY BRAT BECAUSE I HAVE GAIN SO MUCH PATIENCE JUST FOR YOU, YOU BLOODY, BLOODY SUBJECT HOW WILL I SURVIVE I ALSO DON'T KNOW BUT I CAN DO THIS I KNOW I CAN)
So yeah. Chins up, smile to the world, and move on.
Oh, on an unrelated note, I finally cooked something proper to be eaten after so long! Oh, the heaven! No picture was taken, because I ate as soon as I finished washing the dishes. It wasn't an extravagant dish, but I was full and that was a good sign! I mean, I've been skipping breakfast, and these days - I have no fixed time for eating, I may eat only once a day, somewhere at midnight. That bad, I know.
Gosh, my life routine has changed since I've started my marathon on finishing my reworks for Operative Surgery and Russian Language subject. These are roughly my activities for the day:
Wake up early in the morning
Prepare myself (take a bath, brush my teeth, wash my face, wear set of fresh clothes)
Go to the university, straight to the Operative Surgery department
Go back to my room, and eat something to satisfy my hunger
Study for Operative Surgery and try to remember my texts for Russian Language - until late at night
BORING, I KNOW. HAHAHA.
To be honest, I've never spent so much time in a department before. Imagine, coming to the department in the morning, earlier than the teachers and going back only after 4.30-5.30 pm. That department can be my second house already, I can spend my whole day there. They should make a café inside the department, so that I don't have to starve for the whole day. Heh.
It's okay, if I can take my Hygiene final exam on the 28th, ah the burdens that I have to carry will become lesser. Please just let me do my Hygiene final exam, I have so much other things that I need to settle. Teachers for Hygiene subject, please be good.
p/s: I found it funny when my friends said the Russian Language final exam will start at 8.00 am tomorrow morning. Like what is that, I can't even. I understand if it's Physiology or any other important subject, but Russian Language. Seriously? I snorted, and I knew it wasn't polite to snort. But I couldn't help it - it was just too funny.