I would've written this on my Facebook or Instagram if I didn't know any better - but since I cut off all contacts from two of the biggest social media platforms by deactivating both accounts, I somehow have to find comfort through writing in a place where I can throw out some of my emotions out.

Right, more than half a year since my last post - and it's already February.

So what's up?

Moved out of the hostel to an apartment, passed my final exams - which means, hey final year! - and not feeling too happy about myself.

Life is funny - you can be jolly and happy in one sec, and be so sad and down the next.

I mean, what else is there not to be happy about? I finally get what I want; a space for myself, a working and clean kitchen, a queen bed, being a sixth year student of a medical school, and having the best final exam results throughout six years of studying.

If all good things are happening to me, then what else do I need to be happy?

Answer is - I don't know either. At this point, I don't know.

These days, I don't even have a proper appetite anymore. I force myself to eat, just because I promise myself "eat to survive another day, not to please your desire", only to find that whatever I've eaten will end up as vomit; not because I'm being bulimic or conscious about my weight, but because my stomach simply refuse to accept them. Like what, how is this even possible?

I keep myself busy with studies and paper works, but they end up tiring me so much that I leave them unattended.

I'm tired too, most of the time. People have been asking, why do I look so tired? I am, but most of the time - it's my mind that's tired, not my body. Sleep has become my enemy, and to get a good sleep these days is a wonderful blessing for me.

I don't know what to do other than surviving another day with life like this.

Sad songs become my new songs on the playlist. I want to hear happy, upbeat songs so bad. But when I hear them, I keep on thinking, "No... this is too happy, I just can't." So, back to the sad songs it is.

I don't know... I don't know. I need help, I know I'm in need of help, but people have their lives to attend too, not just hearing my plights and sadness about life.

What I do in the end? Being an anti-social, and not talking about anything.

But if I continue being that way, I might have to leave the world sooner than what God has planned for me. Sigh. Extreme thoughts are here again.

This is too much, I'll be stopping here for now.

Bye.

♥ nina.sha ♥