le chemin de mémoires

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

come back, 4:04 PM, 0 comments

I came today without any particular purpose; I just came because I missed this one place where I could write just about anything, where I could pour down my own thoughts without any distraction. Back then, I would spend hours here just to write my heart out. Whether it was some pointless, random things that happened that day, or it was something that I really wanted to share - I would just write and write and write.

I came today and looked at a few of my past posts, just to see how much I wrote in the past. Over the years of me as a blogger, I was somehow proud of myself on how much my writings had changed. From too much teenage angst-inspired posts, I toned down so much that I couldn't believe that I wrote all the good things on this blog. Hahaha.

I couldn't believe my last post was almost 3 years ago.

I couldn't believe how much I used to write back then.

I couldn't believe there were many drafts on this blog that I wrote but didn't manage to be posted because I lost so much confidence in my own writings that I stopped writing altogether after that.

I remembered - those days when I started to write, and then I stopped completely because I couldn't finish my own stories - I couldn't of an ending, and sometimes, they didn't have any beginnings. I was in despair that in the end, I abruptly decided to stop writing because I felt so lost.

Then, as I stopped writing, I realised that I lost my inspiration and somehow, the creative juice stopped flowing too. I was so mad at myself, but as I was busy with my medical studies, I forgot about this and I focused on my medical books.

There were times in the span of two years of my absence here, I logged in and wanted to write so bad, but in the end, I deleted all of it because I felt like it wasn't the right time to come back to the writing world yet.

Somehow, I still lacked confidence in my own writings, and I decided to keep my nose to the grindstone.

I laughed bitterly at myself because I didn't log in for so long that I forgot the password to my Blogger account. I mean, this was my sanctuary back then. This was my place to visit when I wanted to write the things I couldn't talk about.

Sigh.

Now I feel the pain of having the writer's block syndrome. I was denial at first, and forced myself to write even when I had no idea on what to write. In the end - it backfired me because I hated what I wrote, and stopped writing again. The writings were so forced and lacked sincerity that even I hated myself for writing them in the first place.

Sigh again.

To be honest, I didn't know why I suddenly make a trip to my Blogger account again and looked at my past posts, when I had to study for my final exam. Maybe it was a sign to start writing again, or maybe it was time to let go for good.

Or maybe it was a reminder for me that I used to be so dedicated at something that I liked, besides reading. I remembered, blogging was a trend back when I was in junior high - especially among my classmates. Everyone had a blog on their Friendster account (this was before Facebook), or at least a Xanga account.

But, through this trend, I grew fond of writing because I read books so much that I wanted to write as well. I read through at lot of novels and checked out their ways of writings. It was so fun to analyse the books back then, you know? Hahaha.

And now, look at me. My hands couldn't continue typing because I couldn't think of what to write as fast as I did back then.

Times had changed. It's already 2017, and I am not young anymore. Those bubbly, immature times had passed and I had to move on.

My hands were running mad on this keyboard, and my mind struggled with this thought now, "Should I start over, or should I say goodbye?"

♥ nina.sha ♥

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