le chemin de mémoires

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

summertime sadness - part II, 1:57 PM, 0 comments

I am physically tired, but mentally exhausted.

This time, I don't even know where to begin because there are so many things on my mind, and there are so many feelings mixing up in unison.

To be honest, these days, I feel like a total mess.

I've been through a couple of weeks of complete hell. I've never had to deal with such a crappy subject in my life until this semester. As if irregular sleeping cycle, not eating proper food (God knows how many days since I've eaten proper food), constant headache, having cranky mornings, and for the love of God - dealing with crappy people isn't enough for me.

Patience is what I lack of these days. Normally, my patience level is very high, even if I have bad days or big problems, I will keep my head up high. There will be times I'll cry quietly, but that's just about it. This month, it's like God is testing my patience and level of tolerance towards some people that I cannot stand for a long time. My patience is running short, and the teachers for Operative Surgery subject really seep out whatever patience that I have left.

When I feel like a mess, I will find that talking to people can be annoying.

If I could be an antisocial for some time, I would. Yeah okay, so I talked, I exchanged some conversations with people. Faking smiles and facial expressions is one of the things that I'm incredibly good at, you know? So yeah, I may talk normally even when I'm in a complete mess, even when I feel so annoyed when people start talking to me these days, even when I don't feel like talking at all. Let's just say that I'm trying not to burst into madness in front of everyone, okay?

And most probably, if I could get a plate of rice and fried egg any day of this month - I could die of happiness. Because eating crappy food is that bad. God, even life wasn't a hell when I was taking my bachelor of science back then. I could still eat properly, despite cooking wasn't allowed in hostels, partly because the some of the cafés sold good food, and partly because my roommates ate properly, and asked me to do the same – which was good. Although I had so many assignments and lab reports to be done, and so many articles and reference books that were thicker than Netter’s Atlas of Human Anatomy to be read, although I spent so much time in the library until late night, I could pull everything through.

I can’t believe this. I could handle myself better back then. Oh God – MY LIFE WAS SO MUCH BETTER BACK THEN.

Worse, I cannot even remember when the last time the room light was turned off. I woke up with the light on, and I fell asleep with the light on. Now that I think about it - I cannot sleep properly with the light on, unless I am very, very tired. And I feel cross because whenever I need my sleep, there is so much noise in the room. I want to snap so badly, but with the little patience that I have left in me, I've decided to shrug it off, even when I have the right to reproach them.

Moving to apartment alert? Haha, jokes.

Anyway, thanks to Operative Surgery, my life has been on the rock since. Thank you for being such a pain in the butt, thank you for making Normal Physiology and Hygiene a thousand times better and easier, thank you for making my life upside down, thank you for making me half a psycho. Basically, thank you so much for putting so much trouble for me.

Life will be so much better if I choose to not care.

Life will be so much easier when I choose not to do anything.

But even an idiot would know that choosing to do nothing will bring you nowhere. That’s why I have to force myself to go on, even if it’s hard to do so.

But then, do you know how hard it is to keep myself motivated, even when I don’t have the power to do so? Do you know how worn out I am for having to keep up the inspiration for myself? There are times where I just want to lie on the bed all day, stare at the ceiling and do nothing. There are times where I feel like running away, and not come back. But where do I run to here? Most importantly, who do I run to here? This is, after all, still a foreign land. This is not home, where you can run to your family for comfort, feeling all familiar.

There are times where I feel like, I've had enough. That if people ever pushed me to the edge of the cliff and asked me to jump, I would just take the step, not looking back, and jumped off the cliff. You know, it’s like. I no longer care.

Most people have their pillars of support behind. Me? Most of the time, I have to rely on my own, even when there are other people out there are caring enough to support me. You know, it was an easier task when I pushed my friends, but not myself. It's hard. IT IS JUST SO BLOODY HARD.

I have to admit, it's hard to hide my stress when I have a lot of things to think about. I want to be the normal, cheerful me, even in the times of trouble - but at this point of time, I. Cannot. Simply. Act. Like. Normal. Anymore.

And need I remind you of me not wanting to go home? I couldn't care less about homecoming; I've stopped counting the days. I know I have less than two weeks before returning to Malaysia, but I feel like the days are drifting away so fast that I'm scared that I cannot finish everything by then. I want the time to move in a slower pace, so that I can keep up with the current time.

Sad, I know.

It’s days like these that make it hard for me to be all positive and faithful. I'm not going to lie; it’s very hard to believe God cares about me when I'm struggling so much.

But then, thinking about how I used to struggle so much for Normal Physiology, and because of Him, I had a smooth sail. I really do believe that He has a purpose for everything that is happening to me. I nailed it once, and so He thought, “This girl could do it again.”

You know... today wasn't that bad.

I remembered, while waiting for my turn to do computer rework for Operative Surgery, a guy who was waiting beside me kept on saying to me, "It's okay. Both of us can do it, have faith."

"Have faith."

Now that I think about it, somehow it was like God wanted to remind me to always keep the faith in Him.

So, thank you for the uplifting words, new friend, and Alhamdulillah, thank you Allah for the reminder :)

So yes, screw all this, don’t ever, ever stop and keep going.

It’s going to be hard, but I’ll try.

♥ nina.sha ♥

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