le chemin de mémoires

Monday, January 13, 2014

of card and innocence, 8:34 AM, 0 comments

While I was doing Intan's birthday card two nights before, for some reason it took me back to one of the memories of the past, again.

I was a former student at St. Francis Convent elementary school. This little piece of memory happened when I was in Primary Five, Five Rose to be exact. That time, our former headmistress, Madam Anita Tunggolou decided to retire after being the headmistress in our school for a very long time.

And it was a tradition in our school (and I believed most schools would do this as well), before a teacher moved to a new workplace or retired, the whole school would gather together and celebrated his/her farewell. There were happy ones, but of course - farewell would always brought tears to some of us.

These were the things that we would do when there was a farewell gathering for a teacher:

1. Sang two songs: For He's A Jolly Good Fellow and the Malay version of Auld Lang Syne

2. Speech from the headmistress, and she would tell some of the contributions that the celebrated teacher had made. Oh, and not forgetting, the typical "Thank you so much for your hard work, we are going to miss you, and good luck in your new workplace!" speech.

3. Speech from the celebrated teacher. This time, those who could cry easily, this would be the emotional moment. Usually it would be the teacher's best friends who would shed their tears.

4. Present-giving. This applied to those who brought presents for the teacher.

5. Sang the school song: Daughters of St. Francis. This was a maybe, because I could not recall properly about this part. But we used to sing this song in every event we had in school, so yeah.

However, since this was for a headmistress, it was a little bit special although now that I think about it, it was almost the same as any other farewell gathering. Probably the only difference was it was longer than a normal farewell gathering, since she was a headmistress and of course, there were more speeches from the Senior Assistants (that time, if I was not mistaken, Madam Ling Siew King and Madam Anne Chong) and maybe, speeches from the Supervisor Afternoon Session and the current Head Prefect as the representative for the students.

Oh, I forgot to mention this. The school would announce a few days earlier about the farewell gathering. Maybe so that students could prepare presents for the leaving teacher, if they wanted to do so.

So, during Madam Anita's farewell, a lot of students prepared presents for her. I planned to prepare a present for her as well, but I did not know what to give her. I could ask my mother for help that time, but the thing was - I was so scared to ask my mother, fearing that she would simply asked me to forget it and gave Madam Anita nothing. Yes, I was that scared. So I decided to make a card using the computer instead.

So, the night before the farewell gathering, I stayed up late at night (I know, despite being only 11 that time) to prepare the farewell card for her. If I was not mistaken, I used Microsoft Word to do the card, using only various clip arts and word art, I managed to create a card. I remembered putting a clip art of a bible and a lily on top of the bible, as a significance that Madam Anita was a Roman Catholic. It was not a beautiful printed card, but I did it anyway.

The next day, during the present-giving time after the big assembly, students lined up to give presents to the going-to-be-former headmistress. I lined up as well to give my card to her.

And then I realised, everyone was giving her at least a present or flower together with a card.

I had only a card in my hand.

And then, the pressure came. I thought to myself, "Will she accept my card? I don't give her any present!", "What should I give her other than this? Should I call Mom?" and possibly a thousand more questions were swimming inside my head. Probably, that was the first time I felt so much pressure from seeing everyone who lined up to give their presents for the headmistress had a gift bag in their hand. I, on the other hand, had nothing except for a piece of paper on my hand.

I could not stand my own thoughts and the situation that happened in front of me; so I decided to go out of the line and returned to the class quietly.

I was alone in the classroom (if I recalled correctly), and sat quietly. I looked at the card for a long time. I put it away quickly when my classmates started coming in. I did not remember what did I answer when they asked me what did I give Madam Anita as a farewell present, but if there was one thing for sure that I remembered that day: I felt so discouraged after listening to everyone what presents they prepared for Madam Anita that day.

I felt that I should give her something as well too, even if it was just a card. But I ended up being a coward and walked away instead of just shrugging all the questions inside my head and gave the card to her.

Guess what happened to the card at the end of the day?

After school, when no one was looking, I threw the card away.

Then again, I did not remember how did I feel that time as I threw the card away.

Guilty? Angry? Hateful? Indifferent? God knows. Maybe it was a good thing that I could not remember the feelings that I had that time, to seal all of the bad feelings of the past. I did not want to remember them anyway, or probably if I remembered them - I chose not to remember.

Maybe, a little part of me died inside after seeing everyone with something when I had nothing, although I did have something in my hand that time. I mean, compared to everyone, I made my card on my own while everyone bought theirs (okay, their parents helped them too). I did not know how sincere I was when I made that card, but I stayed up late and printed that card by myself.

But because of the society, I was so pressured that I had to buy something instead of just giving her whatever was in my hand that time. I was thinking too much that I ended up not giving Madam Anita anything. She could get an extra farewell present from her students if that student decided not to back away. I was in a mess, and did one of the stupidest decisions in my life.

Up until today, somehow, when I am making a card or something for anyone, I still have the little fear, that pressure on whether people will like whatever I make for them for their special days. Whether they expect something bigger than just a handmade card. Maybe a chocolate box or a plush toy - but not a simple, handmade card.

But then, seeing some people write birthday or good luck wishes on Post-it notes only, and the receivers actually pin those notes on their boards, I find some comfort in seeing these little things. Sometimes, as you grow up, getting presents for special occasions is not the matter. What matters the most is people remember.

Still, the fear and pressure never really leave me. That little ghost of my past is still haunting me.

And as I am writing up to this point, it is getting harder to write. It's really been long time since I feel hurt as I am writing out things from my thoughts. It feels like a part of me is being forced to own up for something that I do not want to involve in the first place.

The invisible scars...

Oh.

I feel like crying now.

♥ nina.sha ♥

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