Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Assalamu'alaikum wbt.

"It's been ages since I've post anything in this blog."

And yes, you will probably seeing more of this statement whenever I post something up, which is only once in a blue moon (yes, blame it on my busy schedule and my bad writing mojo *laughs*).

I do not know exactly why am I here today and decide to post something up when I have other things to be done. I guess that what happened to me these few days (there wasn't anything really big happened to me anyway but still) made me to write something here, just because and also to let out some of the things that have been bottled up for so long.

Like what people always say, there are some things that you just need to let go.

Okay, so how is yours truly doing now? Alhamdulillah, yours truly is fine, all praises to Allah for letting me live for another day in this world. Final exams are coming up in less than a month, and I am so not prepared for this. By the way, I am still on the run to finish all of my class debts, and I have to admit that it is very, very tiring! =.=" (dah tu, siapa suruh liat sangat pi kelas kan. padan la kat muka sendiri!) BUT, on a brighter side, yes! - holidays are coming up! Although I have nowhere to go for this winter holiday, I might find some comfort in writing. That's what I always do when I need comfort - write :)

I had my Microbiology practical skills exam yesterday and Alhamdulillah, I passed! I was so grateful when Madam Alina said I passed, which I thought of that time "Oh, I really didn't deserve this. But Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah. All praises to Allah."

Eh, you are that grateful only because of this? What, what - it is not even final exam yet!
Yes, I was that grateful. Now, let me tell you my part of the story :)

Consider this a sharing from me. InsyaAllah, I hope whoever is reading this, will get something from this story.

Few days before, I did not know why I was so determined and at the same time, restless on wanting to pass my Microbiology practical skills exam on the first try itself. To say that I studied hard like some of my group mates did, no. It was not worth to compare to them since, well, let's just say that I have commitment issues. I cannot study for a long time, and I am very easily distracted with my surroundings. But the determination that I had in me (but to tell you the truth, that was one of the rarest time where my determination was at the peak) made me constantly remind myself that I needed to pass this.

I got notes from a senior and started to study a little bit because then, again, a lot of distractions came along the way and I could not concentrate on studying the notes that I had with me. I even cooked all by myself, willingly, on Sunday so that I could start studying earlier.

Fast forward the story, I decided to turn in earlier that night so that I could wake up early in the morning before Fajr prayer to study whatever I could for the practical exam. I tucked myself with comforter and settled in at about 11.30pm. Somehow, I could not sleep well that night. I was feeling so restless and hot (I was sweating some more!) that no matter how good my sleeping position was, I could not fall asleep. So I woke up and went to the bathroom to perform ablution (Wudhu'). After that, I recited my du'as and many Istighfar before I slept again.

I was able to sleep after that, but then I kept waking up once in a while. All I could say was, my sleep was not really that comfortable that night.

The next morning, I was able to wake up before Fajr prayer and had a look at the notes while waiting for Kak Ima. After finishing with the prayer, I read al-Mathurat before continuing reading the notes. However, I was feeling so sleepy. But I refused to sleep, so I went to the bathroom and took Wudhu' and perform Hajat prayer. 


It was when I was reciting my du'a, I realised there were so much things I asked from Him and I felt so embarrassed. Because I do TOO much sins and there are so many responsibilities I did not do yet as His servant. And yet, I still have the guts to ask so many things from Him despite knowing He is the sole provider. You know, it is like asking from your parents a lot of stuffs when you keep on hurting their feelings. Somehow, your parents will always grant your wishes despite having constant disappointment because of you.

Allah, only He knew how much I cried during reciting my du'as. I felt so humbled, and that time I was submitting myself to Him, with all the hopes and trusts I put in Him, hoping that He would gave what was the best for me that day. At the same time, I asked for strength, patience and guidances from Him so that no matter what results that I got, I would accept it calmly and tried to do better next time.

"And will provide for him from where he does not expect. And whoever relies upon Allah - then He is sufficient for him. Indeed, Allah will accomplish His purpose. Allah has already set for everything a [decreed] extent." (QS 65:3)

After that, I continued to read the notes some more until before Zuhr prayer . I performed my Zuhr prayer and prepared myself to class.

Long story short, I waited outside the class while waiting for some of the others to finish answering their questions. I was the last one to enter, so all the time in between I was praying to Allah, "please, at least give me a question that I can answer. Please ease my heart in answering the questions that I will get later on."

When it was my time to answer questions, I took a deep breath and started to answer and fixed the slide containing microorganisms under the light microscope. I was not really confident in my answers, but I told Madam Alina that I was ready to answer my questions. She looked at the microscope and started asking questions, and I answered in small voices. She nodded, and gave my mark and said I passed the practical exam.

Oh my, I felt so light and relieved after that, knowing that the burden and worries had been lifted. I took my bag, thanked the Microbiology teacher, walked out of the class, smiling while whispering "Alhamdulillah" to myself. I went back to the hostel soon after that. I was alone in my bedroom, and reflecting everything that happened to me for the last few days and again, I cried really hard. I was so grateful for passing it, and at the same time I prayed to Him so that I won't be proud and riya' because of this.

Did you guys realize, this is another form of tests that He puts onto each one of us? To fail in anything is a test, and at the same time to pass in anything is also a test. A test for your iman (faith) and soul on how are we going to handle and cope with the results. Like, do you only find Him when you are in distress and leave Him when you are drown in temporary happiness?

Oh, last night before I set myself to sleep, I looked at the previous messages that Kak Dyll sent to me when I was looking for advices.

Lastly, "never give up on good things."

Allah sayangkan Nini. Jangan pernah lupa yang itu.

Again, my lacrimal gland is working actively, the messages just pierced straight through my heart that I felt that He was comforting me. I was listening to Najwa Latif's Ada-Mu and that really touched my heart especially that night even though I've heard the song so many times before this. Oh Allah! I feel so blessed to know You and if only the people out there knows how much mercy and blessings You can give to your servants, sometimes even when they are not asking for them.

I think that's it for now. I don't know when can I put up another post, but I hope it will be a good experience! :)

♥ nina.sha ♥