le chemin de mémoires

Wednesday, November 7, 2018

malam penuh makna., 2:04 PM, 0 comments

Tangan gatal ingin menulis,
Walau ayat bukan puitis,
Otak ligat memikir kata,
Tuk lepas apa ada di dada,
Sudah lama ku berdiam diri,
Bukan maksud ingin berhenti,
Datang kembali ke alam maya,
Lepas hiatus begitu lama,
Ingin aku berkarya lagi,
Tapi masa sangat mencemburui,
Walau punya idea banyak,
Aku terkena penyakit writer's block.

---
Random sangat di malam hari,
Buah fikiran jam satu pagi,
Alangkah bagusnya kalau selalu begini.

Berkembang sikit sel-sel otak hahaha.

♥ nina.sha ♥

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Silence, 1:45 PM, 0 comments

The silence is killing me,

And that's not right;

I'm asking for help,

But no one's here tonight.

---

Overthinking things again and again; sometimes so extreme that I'll feel exhausted just to calm the voices down.

I'm finding ways to distract myself from thinking too much, but ah... it would be better if there is a medicine that make these horrible feelings go away.

♥ nina.sha ♥

Monday, February 12, 2018

raw feelings, 1:42 PM, 0 comments

As I was writing this, I had to stop a few times; thinking what should I write, whether I should write.

I would've written this on my Facebook or Instagram if I didn't know any better - but since I cut off all contacts from two of the biggest social media platforms by deactivating both accounts, I somehow have to find comfort through writing in a place where I can throw out some of my emotions out.

Right, more than half a year since my last post - and it's already February.

So what's up?

Moved out of the hostel to an apartment, passed my final exams - which means, hey final year! - and not feeling too happy about myself.

Life is funny - you can be jolly and happy in one sec, and be so sad and down the next.

I mean, what else is there not to be happy about? I finally get what I want; a space for myself, a working and clean kitchen, a queen bed, being a sixth year student of a medical school, and having the best final exam results throughout six years of studying.

If all good things are happening to me, then what else do I need to be happy?

Answer is - I don't know either. At this point, I don't know.

These days, I don't even have a proper appetite anymore. I force myself to eat, just because I promise myself "eat to survive another day, not to please your desire", only to find that whatever I've eaten will end up as vomit; not because I'm being bulimic or conscious about my weight, but because my stomach simply refuse to accept them. Like what, how is this even possible?

I keep myself busy with studies and paper works, but they end up tiring me so much that I leave them unattended.

I'm tired too, most of the time. People have been asking, why do I look so tired? I am, but most of the time - it's my mind that's tired, not my body. Sleep has become my enemy, and to get a good sleep these days is a wonderful blessing for me.

I don't know what to do other than surviving another day with life like this.

Sad songs become my new songs on the playlist. I want to hear happy, upbeat songs so bad. But when I hear them, I keep on thinking, "No... this is too happy, I just can't." So, back to the sad songs it is.

I don't know... I don't know. I need help, I know I'm in need of help, but people have their lives to attend too, not just hearing my plights and sadness about life.

What I do in the end? Being an anti-social, and not talking about anything.

But if I continue being that way, I might have to leave the world sooner than what God has planned for me. Sigh. Extreme thoughts are here again.

This is too much, I'll be stopping here for now.

Bye.

♥ nina.sha ♥

Thursday, May 25, 2017

silent repertoire , 5:19 AM, 0 comments

I made a promise to myself: I will stand on my own two feet, be independent even if it means I have to let go some of the friendships that I've grown to attach to over the years.

Because once you've became dependent - people eventually throw you around like a worthless piece of crap.

They will use you to their advantage, and once they achieve whatever they want - there you go, to the garbage.

Like why bother making friends if in the end, you're the outcast of the group?

♥ nina.sha ♥

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

lust for life, 12:29 PM, 0 comments

current play.
lana del rey songs are just perfect for summer.

"they say only the good die young."

♥ nina.sha ♥

wilting, 12:12 PM, 0 comments

twelve years and counting,

still trying to fit in,

somewhere along the road,

you seem to lose yourself,

when efforts don't pay off,

and people don't seem to care,

you ask yourself,

whether it is all worth it,

whether all this while,

you're just a puppet,

or maybe the black sheep,

in the eyes of the humans,

those whom you thought,

as your comrades for life,

turns out they aren't,

those nights you spent crying,

and thinking,

"maybe this is my story -

only it's written by others",

those 'demons' are laughing,

while i'm barely breathing,

as i close my eyes,

"maybe this is the sign -

the beginning of an end,

perhaps -

when my name is written,

on a headstone,

and when the prayers are read,

maybe that's the best time -

people come to realise,

all she ever wants is,

the attention that she always deprives."

♥ nina.sha ♥

Friday, March 31, 2017

Winner, 2:27 PM, 0 comments

After going against so many struggles and tribulations,

Finally, for the first time after so long - I've felt that my life has reached its peak again.

Of course, the graph won't stay the same forever; for we humans are so full of mistakes and stumble along the way; but at least for now - lots of my burdens are lost.

And somewhere in between, I seem to find myself again.

♥ nina.sha ♥

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